"Honey, this is what Hell is going to be! I’m so GLAD I’m not going there!"

To:  the nice man in Rainbow Foods at whom I glared menacingly
From: a frazzled mom of hoodlums!

At 6:00 pm, I decided to take my 4 children to Walgreens and Rainbow to take advantage of Double Coupon Day.  We had eaten supper and had even finished our supper chores with the whole evening ahead of us.  Also, Chris has been working late this week and our grass needed to be mowed–he finds this activity quite relaxing. 

At least I think he does.

So I decided that I would take all the children to the store with me. He could then come home to a peaceful (i.e. silent) house  and mow the lawn.

Wasn’t that completely and utterly thoughtful of me? 

I am the best wife in the world!


I loaded the clan into the van.

Oh, yeah. 
That rhymes!
 Clan into the van.  Clan into the van! 
Say it with me. 
Clan into the van!  Clan into the van.


When we arrived at Walgreens, we recited our Store rules and consequences.

Rule #1–Stay by mommy.  (Don’t run away from me and if I’m moving, keep up!)

Rule #2–Listen and obey.  (Seems self explanatory)

Rule #3–Don’t say “I Want, I Want, I Want.” (You should hear Dash reciting this rule.  It’s really rather hilarious. The purpose of this rule is to control their tongues.  We are going into the store to purchase what we need and if it’s not on the list, we aren’t getting it end of story.  There are a few exceptions to the rule, but I can garauntee that if you are incessently asking, the answer will be no!)

Rule #4–If you have to go potty, tell Mommy.(declared by Princess Pea and Wordgirl)

Rule #5–Stay on the sidewalk and if there is a car, don’t go on the road. (also created by Wordgirl and Princess Pea)

Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.  I am much more concerned about Rules 1-3 than I am about Rule 4-5–however important they may be.

Consequence:  If these rules are not followed, we will leave the store and sit in the van until we are ready to obey  (I got this one from the Duggars).

These rules are recited almost every time we go into a store.  They are quite versed in the rules.  However, knowing them in your brain is much different than knowing them in your heart.

So into Walgreens we traipsed.

And it was a complete disaster.  Part of the reason was because I was not in control, and part of the reason was because I forgot that I could declare marshal law and enforce the consequence without explanation.

However, instead of calling it a day, we decided to see if it could get any better at Rainbow Foods!

Rainbow was no better.  They weren’t keeping up, they were incessentantly talking and asking for my attention, and I was fighting Dash the whole way of who got to push the cart.  To say the least, it was trying.

As we were searching the aisles for pizza sauce not even half done with our shopping,  Dash who is new to this potty training thing said, “Uh-oh!  I have to go potty!” 

  So I steered the cart over by the bathrooms, left my 6, 4, and 1 year olds alone while I took my 3 year old to the bathroom (who just happened to go all over his clothes because we didn’t make sure he was pointing down!).

We then continued in our seach for pizza sauce. 

On a side note–you would think they would put the pizza sauce by the spaghetti sauce being that it’s all Italian food.  But noooooo.  Instead they put it some random place like beside the hamburger helper and say, “tee hee! Try to find us!” So when you are at your wits end and ready to swear at any passerby, you finally ask the cashier where it would be and they have to call the grocer department because they don’t know either! By the Hamburger Helper? Really! Couldn’t you put it somewhere more logical–like by the spaghetti!?

Suddenly,  Princess Pea said, “Mom, I gotta go to the bathroom.”
And Wordgirl, “So do I, Mom.”

Uh, okay.  Here we go again.  This time, I steered the cart and stayed with it while I sent my girls to the bathroom. 

Because who stayed with me?  A very active 3 year old and a 1 year old who was completely DONE with being in the cart.  Screaming and fussing ensued.

He squirmed his way out of the seat belt and was suddenly standing on the seat in the cart!!!!

Oh, I had had it with this experience. 

So what did I do?  I called Chris. 

When he answered, “Yep, I’m still in traffic.”

Me:  I am so glad that I am assured that I’m going to Heaven because I now know what Hell is going to be.  I’m in Hell right now!

Chris:  Are you at home?

Me:  No.  I’m in Rainbow.

Chris: Oh.

Me:  This has been awful.  Hell may be dark and hot and horrible, but I’m pretty sure that I’m living it right now!

Chris:  I’m sorry!

Me:  And all this so that you could come home and relax and mow the lawn!  AUGH!

FINALLY, after being directed to the pizza sauce, we were able to check out.  Oh, but don’t breathe a sigh of relief.  After I paid, my children made sure to be right under my feet, constantly creating traffic jams in the aisle, trying to load the groceries into our bags while blocking peaceful patrons of the store from being about to leave!  Insisting they “help” me!

And you, nice fellow who had the nerve to enjoy my torment, were just seeing my life through a different lense.  Instead of being grateful for a kindhearted perspective, I growled at you and glared at you and muttered curses under my breath.

Okay, so I’m totally kidding about the curses.

Well, not really, but they weren’t at you.

What I should have said was thank you for enjoying my children and not being angry at them.  Thank you for seeing the chaos as a blessing and not irritating.  And thank you for not complaining to me about them.

Photobucket (i know i posted this on a thursday, but I’m pretty sure Kira wouldn’t care!)

About giannarae

I am a child of God who has been given the humbling job of being a wife and a mother to 4. Those whom He has given to me are my Sweet Peas and Buddies and one Honey.
This entry was posted in confessions of a hypocrite, family moments, life, pleas from a mama's heart. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to "Honey, this is what Hell is going to be! I’m so GLAD I’m not going there!"

  1. Oh, Gianna. I love you. I do!
    But I couldn't keep myself from chuckling as I read this post. It isn't that I am enjoying your pain. It's just that, well, you did such a good job writing about your moments – and I felt as though I was there with you! ;o)

  2. Arletta Rue says:

    you made me laugh !! .. just a note we are in Montreal and tired ,, but looking forward to tomorrow when we will see more then the airport !!( as that is where our motel it !!)

  3. Kira says:

    Okay, first things first, you're right, I totally don't care. You can 'fess up Friday' your little heart out any day of the week.

    Secondly, OH. MAN. I could have written this post. I hate hell. HATE IT. And you're so right. It totally is disguised as a grocery store with four small children. And yours are even younger than mine! Yikes, you are braaaaaave, girlfriend. That is usually the point where I get in the car and cry the whole way home and then have to repent for talking to my children with the same kind of voice as that girl on the Exorcist.

    I think I need to read that book by the Duggars. That whole 'consequences' thing makes a lot of sense, but i need some more specifics, such as, 'who do you get to watch your cart while you're chilling in the van?”

  4. Amanda says:

    Oh girl, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I could have written this! Although, it would not have been nearly as funny or well written. 🙂

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