It’s when you can’t eat, when you can’t sleep, when the anxiety overwhelms you, when you are completely out of control.
You cry gut wrenching sobs, but they are useless. They don’t help because as soon as you are done crying, you are crying again. Painful is the best way to describe this kind of crying. Painful and exhausting.
And when people smile at you and ask, “How’s it going, adjusting to your new baby?”, you either fall apart or bite your lip and nod–nonverbally lying to them because they really don’t care how you are doing. They are just being polite.
All you want is for everything to be back to normal. Before the baby was born, you were so excited. You washed all the clothes tenderly. You painted the room perfectly. You thought all day and night about holding your baby in your arms.
Then, the day arrived when your little one was born. Suddenly, you realized that it was going to take everything you had to keep her alive. Panic and despair arrived. Everything depended on you. You were the sole provider. Nevermind that you had a husband who was more than willing to love on her and you. Nevermind that you had other friends and family willing to help. YOU. It had all come down to you. Because YOU are her mom.
Life would be so much easier if your little one had never been born. Oh, no. It’s not that you wanted to harm your baby. No way. You weren’t going to do that! And even the thought of her being in pain racked your body with heaving sobs again. Oh, but for her benefit, it would have been better if she was never born because you didn’t know how you were going to keep her alive in the first place!
You had to leave the room again and your husband found you in the baby’s room weeping again. Augh!
What were you going to do? There was something very wrong.