i told you wednesdays were hard.
i was right.
i told you that i probably wouldn’t follow jesus.
i was right.
i told you that one success with brin did not promise future successes with other children.
i was right.
but i won’t dwell on that.
i won’t dwell on the fact that i started to get the girls up at 6:30 am so that maybe, just maybe, we could leave the house around 7:30. i won’t dwell on the fact that they STAYED in bed until 7:30 with me doing the nagging mother thing, but not actually following through with any of my threats.
i won’t dwell on the fact that brin ASKED for pigtails, but when i put them in her hair, she cried for 20 minutes because all she wanted was a braid. i won’t dwell on the fact that i braided her pigtails, but that wasn’t good enough. i won’t dwell on the fact that after 20 minutes and a call into work that i would be late, i finally took them out and gave her a braid.
i won’t dwell on the fact that maya was very passive aggressive and manipulative in making us late. i won’t dwell on the fact that i TOLD her specificallyshe couldn’t bring sleeping beauty to andrea’s, and when i met her at the door, she was carrying sleeping beauty in her hands like it wasn’t a big deal. i won’t dwell on the fact that i lost it on her.
what i will dwell on is that i was so sad that they didn’t obey me. i sobbed and sobbed all the way to andrea’s house (okay, so it’s like 3 miles, but it can still take 10 minutes), saying things like, “why can’t you just OBEY me? i am not asking you to do anything that’s hard. you KNOW how to get up, you know how to get dressed, you KNOW how to go potty. and now you can’t eat breakfast at home and you’re mad at me. and it’s your own FAULT! i tried to get you up but you wouldn’t listen. and maya, i TOLD you not to bring sleeping beauty and i know you heard me and yet you still tried to bring her anyway. and brin, you SAID specifically that you wanted pigtails and then freaked out on me when we put them in your hair. ”
i couldn’t stop crying.
we ALL cried all the way to andrea’s. even dane and poor dane didn’t do anything wrong and he wasn’t in trouble!
yes, my kids are well behaved, but not always for me. and i know it could be worse, but it was pretty rotten to let my kids make me feel so horrible.
i got to andrea’s house and walked in the door and TRIED to stop crying, but the tears just came even MORE! andrea waded her way through all the kids and wrapped her arms around me and let me cry heaving sobs. finally, my crying subsided and i was able to relax a little bit. andrea set my kids up with food and we talked for a few minutes until i felt like i was under control.
then, i got back into the van and drove to work, i pulled into the parking ramp, and started to cry again.
when i walked into work 45 minutes late and rachel asked me if everything was okay (they didn’t get my message at work), i started to sob uncontrollably AGAIN. heaving sobs AGAIN.
getting 3 kids out the door early in the morning, with me being so tired and 18 weeks pregnant is NOT a good combination. even if i wasn’t 18 weeks pregnant, it would still be super hard, but maybe i could control my hormones.
needless to say, starting my day out sobbing uncontrollably makes for an exhausting day.
chris and i had a talk with the girls and we are going to implement a waking up time for the girls to use and see how that goes. i told maya if she didn’t get dressed in time, she would have to wear her pajamas all day. (and i am going to do this if it means going to andrea’s house, to church, to a friend’s house to play….i AM. i am so totally going to follow through on this! i’ll let you know how it goes).
one success in all of this was that i don’t feel like a complete failure as a mama. i’m just a really sad mama who needs tools. we are going to start learning danny silk’s techniques. he is a pastor out in CA who has some amazing thoughts on parenting. chris and i watched pete and natalie (remember chris’s cousin and his wife who have kids the exact same ages at our kids!)parent their 3 little ones and thought, “some of this is really GOOD.” they lent us his dvd, and i think it’s time to break it out!